Ok, just had a smoke.
First time all week, maybe later in the day
This time, 2pm, first time an early afternoon smoke for a long time.
It was there.
Was I drawn to it because of the email I wrote for work.
Are my expectations too high?
What does it mean to have a certain expectation of a situation , event, people, of our life.
Where does the expectation come from?
What would we do different, how we fit into the way the situation is being handled.
Am I blaming how I feel on my bosses.
That is wrong, I was being open transparent, honest.
I’m not feeling ok at the moment about work and these are some things that are on my mind.
Funny how smoking gets me to write
Is it because I have access to the articulation of the thoughts, or I’m more able .
What happens to the feeling and the intention.
Then I think about stuff I need to do for work.
I get distracted, I feel overwhelmed.
Why , where does the overwhelming feeling come from?
I’m procrastinating about a lot of things.
Is it a hopeless or helpless feeling?
While I sit here stoned, writing this, it’s my head, the tired feeling that pot intensifies in the head, the eyes.
There is also that feeling in the stomach, can move up and down, sometimes to the chest and arms. Stretch, twist, stretching the arms, then the dizziness as the blood rushes to the head, the lethargic feeling. Then comes the yawn.
Where were the problems? Transparency about who was doing what.