It’s been a while, probably because I haven’t been smoking much and when I do I go into a hole.
This is the first day I’ve felt ok after ingesting pot.
One obvious reason comes to mind, but to get sidetracked by that now would make me lose the 10 other tracks, need to type faster
So much going on, lots to catch up.
Just to recap the ted talk thing about the relationship journey, own journey, learning journey, be as understanding as possible, share the experience in a story.
Breaking down the experiences and relating them an aspect of life
Acid experience – terror and death and ultimately love. Purpose. Holiday
I was still fragile from the acid experience but loving the open road. Invested.
The work thing started to blow up a bit after Alice Springs then Mt Isa. Not to go into here, lets just say I was stressed.
The experience in Townsville was intense.
The caravan / one of the children going to sleep issue
Going to McDonalds waiting for one of my friends not showing, bit of “feedback” about that.
I felt . . . wow, hard to pinpoint.
Went down this rabbit hole, yes that’s right the acid and the start of the journey from death, life, philosophy, psychedelics, consciousness, the physics of consciousness, physics, quantum physics, human behaviour, animal behaviour, life behaviour, the universe behaving, coming to life, this is the realisation, we grow from the universe (Carl Sagan) , we’re not made (Ceramic – Alan Watts)
Then a relationship separation, like a zenith of life’s experience, before death.
The navigation of a separation; confusion, anger, scared, lonely, ego and pride, what’s wrong with me, the question of who am I, who do I want to be in this situation, a side of me, the anger bitter side, the helpful zen like side, stay calm and clear, no alcohol, no drugs unless comfortable and supported. I felt ok to smoke on the weekend as I felt comfortable and supported and listened to.
A separation brings old wounds to the service, an immediate instinct to dig up ammunition, the fight back, to protect one’s pride and ego. I’m not a bad person, how dare you say I’m not good enough for you, of course this our egos talking, they take over our egos do, they want the limelight, the accolades, the attention. They are destroying, mixed with “boosters” (alcohol, drugs) the egos can inflate, become arrogant and (word to come) false sense power or control.
Be careful what you wish for.
We’d fought on and off, I really do get the exhaustion, as much as I instantly want this to carry on as it was normal, and now the normal has been severely disrupted, it becomes frightening, uncertain
It’s like a thesaurus for breakups.
In training for this moment.
Reflecting back on where this journal starts, the preparation for a life event like this.
The coping strategy and mechanism to fall back on when they curveballs are hard and fast.
Not that I have been punched, but metaphorically speaking its fair square in the guts enough to take the wind out, for days and weeks on end.
How do we break the cycle of the pain (refer 31/3, last entry before this one).
Don’t drink, not to have drunk for a while as it may be hard to stop or reduce your intake if you drank normally anyway.
But yeh, don’t drink.
By clarity improved, unfortunately this can’t be measured, but I am acutely aware of my improvement with patience, reactions, loud noises (etc.)
Not to say there were a sprinkle of incidents (linen cupboard, head on the floor, one of th…) yeh right, here comes the leader board, the points, the fairness meter, how hard has life been to me, I don’t deserve this, well guess what sucker, you do and so does everyone, it’s how it rolls. I’m not talking about money or power, I’m talking about our fragile little egos, our spot on humanity’s ladder of greatness, how much I have contributed, have I been worthy, being worthy will make my death honorable and I’ll take my last breaths knowing I did ok. But ok instead of what? Not ok, what is not ok and ok, staying alive, keeping my kids alive, that’s the whole point isn’t it, have kids, keep them alive long enough to have kids of their own, then they are on their own.
TO help them appreciate the complexities of life to navigate with caution but flare.
Caution because our lives are actually very fragile, we break easily physically, emotionally and mentally. The three pillars of our existence, they co-exist, they, what is they. Who are they, when we say they we mean a person, or living this, look at the kittens, they are having fun.
Before I lose track and key point to bring up is the leader board, it feeds into our ego, we give ourselves points for our performances. They aren’t even points, well it depends on what the situation was, we don’t want to lose points as that deflates our ego and our sense of worth, if I don’t feel important, right, good, capable then we aren’t contributing.
No wins an argument, why do we need to win arguments, is this it change minds to have believers, the cause or purpose.
What was it, 11oo words, good effort, maybe if I keep this up I might have something worth reading, it’s not about the number of words but the quality of the conversation from writing, and the more it’s done the easier it becomes, it does help for me anyway, the smoking when supported and it’s quiet, to write, type feel the flow of the words, and not stop, but I am, I just did.
Good to regroup, that was weird, like I didn’t want to think, I wanted to see where I would go but I was not really making myself think that to then type it, it’s more about what pops in, but the direction can be nudged, lets try this gain, regroup . . .
And here we are, human behaviour, why? Good question, to be more patient with life, it’s not just humans, it’s not just living creatures, it is the whole universe, the universe exists because we made ourselves understand it and more and more we understand, we can all tap into that understanding.
Could these words, the way I’ve written them, no editing, no going back and changing something because it doesn’t sound write now, but that is it, that is what happened, just update it here, don’t go back, you can’t go back.
Spelling and grammar needs to be addressed.
(that was boring)
Also , try not to go back and read what you’ve just written unless you want to and then you can, I don’t know, ok getting lazy, what were we talking about again?
I was thinking about my dad before, he did try his best, he didn’t have a father around, he went to boarding school, parents separated he didn’t talk about them much, sad really,
Mum didn’t really talk about them much either we knew mum’s parents quite well, we didn’t really have grand parent figures around all the time, having nana and grandad over from England was always a treat but as I got older, i got more rebellious probably embarrassing for mum.
My behaviour, influenced by any of that will be interesting, I think I know I think I understand why and when I took the paths I did by why do we make certain paths so significant, the changes in the path, clear achievements (what is an achievement and in whose eyes, society’s eyes? The expectations of society, of family, friends, the competition that is laid out from an early age, sure there is plenty of research around the structure of human society’s and human life that dictates the way we treat ourselves the way we behave towards our fellow human beings the , the why, is it ignorance, how to reduce the ignorance so we all understand and get along to achieve our highest purpose, the survival of consciousness life in the universe the survival of consciousness itself, we are a collective consciousness, and we are fighting with ourselves as a person fights with themselves the dark and light, the good the bad (subjective) the rules of lasting consciousness.
Not, are we doomed to extinction (as though we may not be), but are we really doomed to extinction because of [fill in the blank]. (yes, we are)
That might be it for the night now, good session thanks for having me back, nice to get some words out I still have lots to talk about, summarising and reflecting on the weekend just gone and also the last month, the emotional up and down which was what this writing is meant to help with, which is what it does and what it is doing, yes, it is hard, yes I feel the anxiety creeping in again even now, the reality of what I have to do next, go to bed, navigate (yes find alternate words for navigate) the , just navigate
We went to the movies that was fun, behaviour, up on the big screen, tit for tat (game theory) the genetic code (did have a Robert Sapolsky detour there because I weas thinking of the books he recommended at the beginning of the 2nd lecture.
That’s it good night.
Interesting to see when I next join you, come on you can do it without smoking, maybe when you wake up, yes, please